


Between the Shadow and the Soul

by FunnyLittleOwl



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
Genre: Characters softened by sleep, Dream visions, F/M, First Kiss, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force-Sensitive Leia Organa, Leia braids Rey's hair, Minor Leia Organa/Han Solo, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Rey and Kylo find a solution to their nightly terrors in an unexpected way, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-22 09:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13163652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FunnyLittleOwl/pseuds/FunnyLittleOwl
Summary: The gaps were closing, every wall broken. Where there was certainty, now there was crippling doubt. Where it was empty, now it was filled with her.Her Force.The brown of her eyes. He could see them so clearly, even when his own were closed.Needless to say, once again Kylo couldn’t sleep.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I watched The Last Jedi. And I felt... things. Very troublesome things. So troublesome I had to write about them. Immediately. If you're here for Yuri On Ice, I'm so sorry, but I had to get this out of the way first.

 

 

There was no more silence.  
  
The Force buzzed in ways that he hadn’t felt in years. It was unrelenting, but steady, like the ocean he saw once in his dreams. Or were they _his_ dreams?

The gaps were closing, every wall broken. Where there was certainty, now there was crippling doubt. Where it was empty, now it was filled with her.  
  
_Her_ Force.  
  
The brown of her eyes. He could see them so clearly, even when his own were closed.  
  
Needless to say, once again Kylo couldn’t sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

It wasn’t _his_ fault, _she_ was the one having a nightmare. It was erratic now, this bond of theirs. Sometimes, he could just feel her pain, throbbing all over like a chronic disease. Sometimes, he felt the way her body thrashed in the mattress during her sleep.  
  
Sometimes, he wouldn’t admit he felt the soft cotton of her nightgown brushing against his skin.

Tonight, he saw it, the fabric light and blue. It was always blue.

Kylo sighed. He gave into the insistent tugging and probed into their bond. Into the depths of her mind. 

Rey was back into the red room, Snoke lying in pieces on the floor. In her hands, the girl held both Kylo’s lightsaber and her own. She pierced them through his decaying body again and again, screaming. _Die! Die, you scum!_

Kylo realized he could move. He ran to her, grabbed her by the shoulder and took the weapons away from her grasp. She could only stare at him in shock.

 _This isn’t you_ , he told her firmly. _You didn’t do this._

Rey breathed haggardly, but still found strength to slap Kylo’s hand away from her. _No. You did._

 _Yes. I did. Then why are_ you _dreaming about it?_

 _I don’t know, Ben_ , she spat back at him. _Why are_ you _here?_

Kylo didn’t have a good answer for that, so he just stood his ground. _You know I can do whatever I want._

_Oh, that you can, Supreme Leader._

He had dreamed of being called that for decades. Hearing it from her, though, just sounded… wrong.

_I’m not the Supreme Leader here._

_And what are you doing here, then, Kylo Ren?_

_You called for help. I came,_ he said slowly, as if explaining it to a child. _You need to wake up, so I can sleep._

 _I didn’t call for you,_ she rebutted, the idea so absurd to her she laughed at him.

_You didn’t have to, Rey. It’s the bond. Our minds are connected, for better or for worse. When you’re in pain, I’m in pain. You need to stop having these nightmares. It’s… driving me insane._

Rey nodded slightly, finally understanding the unfortunate situation they were in.

_So my nightmares are a hindrance to you._

_Yes._

_You want to control my thoughts, even in my sleep._

_No! Rey, please. Just take my hand. Let’s get out of this place._

She eyed at him suspiciously, then down at his stretched arm, both of them experiencing the worst sensation of déjà vu.

Rey stared at Snoke’s corpse once more, knowing that in this twisted illusion of reality, his blood was on her hands. She had no choice but to trust Kylo with this.

Her hand was painted in red when she took his gloved one, shaking. Then the world went black.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They were lying on his bed, on opposite sides.

She was here. She had woken up, at last, but in her mind, she was still here. With him.

Rey didn’t dare to look at him. Kylo hadn’t spoken a word. He watched her silhouette in the dark, her back turned to him as she still breathed heavily, reeling from her nightmare.

Her nightgown was indeed blue, just the way he had envisioned it before. It was only then he noticed she had been wearing it all along, even in her dream. Kylo smirked, despite himself. Only the scavenger would be foolish enough to try to take on Snoke in her nighties.

“What is it,” she rasped, after countless minutes of uncomfortable silence.

“Nothing,” he replied. He was in no position to judge, being shirtless as of right now himself. “I was thinking about you.”

She turned around, finally, keeping her head on the pillow next to his. Her hair was down, like it usually was when they did this. When they simply _talked_ to each other, a man and a woman in the infinite cosmos.

“This isn’t like before, Ben,” she said, quietly. “Everything has changed.”

“Has it, though?”

“Of course! You _chose_ the Dark again. You _chose_ it and you ruined everything, like you always do.”

Her voice was low but furious and he felt the power of it all over his body. She’s always affected the whole of his body.

“I see you. Me. No masks, no lightsabers, no Resistance nor First Order. Nothing has changed.”

“You chose it over me,” she whispered, revealing her ultimate motives. “Over what we built.”

“I chose it _because_ of you.”

“Because you are a monster, you mean,” she corrected. “You don’t think of anyone but yourself. Don’t try to blame _me_ for your doings. Did you even mean it… when you said that I mattered? You tried to put me down, saying I was nothing, but I saw right through you. You were afraid. The mighty Kylo Ren was afraid of a scavenger girl from Jakku. Why?”

Kylo closed his eyes, angry at her for trying to probe him now. He was tired. “You know why.”

“I still want to hear you say it.”

“You won’t hear it from me tonight.” Kylo ended the subject, standing up to grab a non-descriptive white blanket from the nearest shelf. “Tonight, we sleep.”

Rey blinked several times. She opened up her mouth to say something, probably to voice a complaint, but then he covered her with the fabric and moved back to his side of the bed.

“What?” he said, cynically. “You have nightmares when you sleep and I can’t sleep when you’re having nightmares. This isn’t about the Light or the Dark or the Rebellion. It’s about the frankly horrible bags under your eyes.”

“Ben…” she pleaded. She didn’t know what she was pleading for.

“Please, go to sleep now.”

Rey looked away, considering her options. She could transport her consciousness back to her room in any second, still she remained.  

She looked so young lying there, so close to him. So desperate for contact, just like he was. So confused, so powerful, so completely, utterly, lost.

The Light wouldn’t have her, but so wouldn’t the Dark.

She was all he had, and he was starting to believe maybe, just maybe, the opposite was just as true.

The lines in her face were so soft. And Kylo Ren was weak. A weak creature wearing a mask.

But never to her.

Rey held out her hand over the blanket this time.

“You’ll stay with me?” she meant the night, but he knew her better. Oh, he knew her.

“I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”

That was the only answer he was able to give.

She gave him a small smile. It was ludicrous. It said: “I still believe I can turn you around.”

Rey fell asleep a few minutes later, her hand crushing his in a forceful grip.

He held it for a few seconds longer.

 _Force_ , he wished he could keep her.

So he whisked her away back to the safety of his mother’s arms.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's POV. A second encounter.
> 
> Things get a little too close for comfort.

 

The next time Rey showed up in Kylo’s bed, he was nothing but a fleeting thought in her head as she tried her best to fall asleep, but to no avail.

There was little to no announcement. In a second, she turned around restlessly in her own sheets; the next, she caught sight of her alleged enemy’s profile as he kept his bare torso over their shared covers, heat radiating from his skin to hers.

_Great. It’s happening again._

“You’re back,” he said matter-of-fact, not even passing her a glance.

Kylo was reading a book and seemed deeply concentrated in whatever was in it. Not a holopad. An honest to kriff, real life book, like the Jedi texts. An awkward silence followed on her behalf, in which Rey didn’t know what to do with herself.

“You wear glasses,” was all she could come up with in short notice.

He turned a page with the Force. “I do.”

“I didn’t know you wore glasses.”

“Only to read,” he replied, neutral.

“Okay,” she said, blinking a little. _He looks different like this. More… human._

Rey wondered if he read a lot. And as if he reading her thoughts (he probably was), Kylo continued.

“I usually try to keep the bond shut when I’m doing it so not to interrupt you.”

“Oh, that’s… thoughtful of you.” Rey moved until she was facing the ceiling of the Supremacy. The Supreme Leader’s ship. _I wouldn’t want to listen to your inner voice as you’re reading, anyway._

 _Likewise,_ he answered in her head. The intrusion was so sudden Rey almost jolted at his commentary. She closed her eyes, sighing.

“Listen,” she started, trying to keep her voice even. “This is weird.”

At the lack of response on his part, she added, carefully, “We need to stop pretending this isn’t weird.”

“You’re the one making it weird,” Kylo said, petulant. “I am only trying to read.”

“That’s not what I mean, Kylo,” Rey finally lost her temper. “This wasn’t supposed to keep happening! Snoke is dead, the bond should be severed by now. Why isn’t it?”

“I don’t know,” he replied, patiently.

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

Kylo was silent for a moment. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Why?” Rey pushed. “We are on opposite sides, we’re sworn _enemies_ , for Force’s sake! We shouldn’t be sharing a bed every night. It’s not… it’s not proper.”

“You’re not my enemy,” he said firmly.

“What?” Rey was caught off guard.

“You are _not_ my enemy,” he repeated, emphatically, “As I insist on telling you every time we meet. If things are complicated, then they are solely your fault for not joining me when I asked you to.”

If Rey was mad before, then now she was positively _livid_.

“ _Complicated_? _My_ fault?” she parroted. “Excuse me, do you even _listen_ to yourself when you utter this much garbage out of your mouth, Kylo Ren?”

“I do not wish to quarrel.”

“Well, _I_ do,” Rey said. “You are truly the most insufferable, despicable person I could ever be bonde..."

Kylo touched her hand, succeeding in shutting her up immediately. “Rey,” he called, not unkindly. The anger in her withdrew to the back of their minds. The instant effect he had on her was undeniable, and _damn him for stopping her._

“You came here to sleep, have you not?” Kylo probed, closing his book and putting it on the armchair next to the bed. “I can provide you with that, it's simple enough. You might not like it, but my offer still stands. Even when you pretend to hate me when you’re this awake. And I know you’re going to take it one day. So I will do whatever I can do to help, because you’re the person who lives inside my brain.”

Kylo’s speech disarmed her. His ideals were painfully wrong, and his mind was entirely twisted, but this was definitely a selfless action coming from him. This wasn’t Ben, but it was _almost_ … and Rey’s weakness has never been a secret.

“Are you always going to be like this?” Rey asked, more to herself than anything.  

“How, exactly?” Kylo raised his eyebrow in curiosity.

“This… unpredictable. I don’t like it when I don’t know what to expect from you. This path you’re taking, Ben, you know it’s one I cannot follow.”

“Won’t follow.”

“ _Refuse_ to follow,” she corrected. “It’s one that doesn’t include a future for my friends, for _justice_ , for peace in the galaxy.”

“And that is _your_ point of view, as I’m sure it was part of General Organa’s brainwashing sessions to all new recruits.” Kylo laid back in bed, seemingly exhausted. “We can only do what we think it’s right, Rey. And that is precisely what I’m doing. Restoring _balance_ to the galaxy.”

Rey was too tired to keep on arguing. _Can we agree to disagree, just for tonight?_

_I thought that was what we were doing every night._

Rey smiled, despite herself. That was too much like Ben.

“I’m not tired anymore now, though,” Rey contemplated, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Well. What do you suggest we do?” Kylo’s face barely concealed his responding smile, as he caressed her other hand absent-mindedly. She realized then he had been holding it all this time.

It was only natural, it seemed. _His hand on my hand, my hand on his, the same hand in both him and me._ A treacherous instinct. 

It felt too much like gambling with fate, melting their projected souls together in casual pleasure. But was it really a gamble when there was only one possible conclusion to it?

“We could play a game,” she offered, then considered how insane that sounded. “A game of truths. We can only state things that are true and answer sincerely to the other’s questions.”

“And the objective of such a game would be…?” Kylo's face reflected disdain at her silly proposal.

“I want to know more about you,” she admitted, in a small voice. “But only the things that are real.”

“That’s dangerous,” he warned. “You might end up learning something you wished you wouldn’t have.”

“But the questions can’t be political-related.”

“Okay, that’s…” he scrunched up his nose, “reasonable.”  

“Look, I’ll start,” Rey said. “What kind of books do you like to read?”

Kylo considered that for a second. “I’ve always liked fictional stories.”

“Fiction?”

“Yes.”

“You like fantasy books?”

“Why not?” he said, bewildered. “I’ve always enjoyed bedtime stories, ever since I can remember. A hero’s quest, a damsel in distress - is that not up to your expectations?”

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m most surely not.”

“Then what are you reading now?” Rey giggled, completely out of her mind with her newfound discovery. She used the Force to reveal the book’s title, currently resting on the armchair.

_Tales of Legends in the Galaxy: Volume II._

Rey laughed so much she ended up punching him in the ribs. She was too close for comfort, but right now she didn’t care, because Kylo Ren liked to read _fairytales._

“Who even gave that to you?” she asked before she could help herself.

Kylo’s body stiffened and he looked away, letting go of her hand.

 _That_ was why they didn’t talk.

It was so o _bvious_ , but still, it was easy to forget the most basic things when she was around his presence.

Rey knew she had stepped too far.

“Chewbacca,” he said, too low for it to be said with his own voice. She heard it through the bond.

_Oh._

There was heavy silence after that. Kylo’s face looked as pale as the sheets and she felt like he could throw up, or _she_ could – but either way, she felt nausea run through their veins.

Rey pushed in closer, still, pressing up the length of her body against his. She leaned her forehead on his trembling shoulder.

She didn’t know why she did it. In the morning she would analyze it.

But by radiating her warmth to him, Kylo slowly but surely regained color.  

“I like your nightgown,” he rasped, out of the blue.

“Is that your fact?”

“But I _do_ like it. It’s pretty. You said it had to be true.”

“I know, but why are you saying that?”

“Because you are beautiful,” he stated, casually. “I also like it when your hair is down like this.”

“Ben…” she censored, but her heart was beating too fast for him not to notice it. He was casual about his confession, so Rey wouldn’t be the one to turn this into a compromising situation.

“I like your glasses,” she admitted, swallowing hard. “They make you look… distinguished.”

Kylo let out a little laugh, releasing the tension from his shoulders. He felt emboldened.

“See, it doesn’t have to be hard,” he said, angling their faces together in their shared pillow. He was too close. “Questions can be easy. Facts even more so.”

“Things are never easy with you.” From up close, Rey could count the beauty spots that marked his face. She could trace the scar she left on him, comb her fingers through his hair.

She could do whatever she wanted with him. And she knew he would let her.

So she grabbed his hand once again, the only true point of comfort between them. He looked surprised – _did he see her prior intentions_ – but he took it, grasped it strongly.

Rey guided their joined hands to the space between their chests.

“The question I’m thinking,” she gulped, knowing full well it would be near the point of no return. “Have you ever said it? To anyone?”

Kylo looked at their hands - hers so small in comparison -, his expression almost soft, before his eyes hardened again.

“Once. To my mother.”

And that was the truest, hardest thing Rey would ever hear him admit to.

She enclosed her arms around his waist, because this was _Ben_.

“You know, monster or not, you’re the only thing that’s ever been really mine.”

There. She said it.

He was quiet for a while.

“I want to hold you this time. While we sleep,” he clarified, his voice still coarse from before. “May I?”

“You may,” Rey allowed, because, _Force,_ she wanted this.

Ben moved in no time, molding his body against hers, leaving no room for air, even less for doubt.

Rey fell asleep with acceptance in her heart.

Ben might be her weakness, but _damn_ if she wasn’t his.

That was all she truly asked for, in the end.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone, I decided to give this story another go! Things were hectic during Christmas and the New Year (I was on a trip to Buenos Aires!), but this pairing was still in my head, so I needed to get it out of my system haha
> 
> Please let me know if you want me to continue. I've got a little bit of an idea where this is going, but I would love to read your feedback. Thank you so much for reading <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo still has trouble sleeping.
> 
> Rey and Leia share a mother-daughter bonding experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I'm back to reylo hell (for good).
> 
> More info at at the end notes.

 

Kylo woke up to a disturbing revelation.

If such a thing was induced by the booze he ingested by the gallon the night before or not, it did not matter in the slightest. These peculiar, _feverish_ dreams were signs he knew too well by this point not to ignore.

In the dream, he felt peace. It was a fact as tangible as the small figure standing beside him, with impossibly dark eyes locked on his. She held up her petite hand, grounding him in that strange reality with so much certainty in her gaze - a grip so tight he could _almost_ feel it. Like she _dared_ him not to acknowledge her existence.

Like she was already here.

He recognized those eyes. They were ancient, although they hadn’t been born yet, not in this universe. Her eyes were stardust, everywhere at once, past and future, one and the same.

And amidst it all: balance, at last.

Somehow, a part of him knew that if the small one had achieved it, then maybe he could, too. They all could. Perhaps _she_ was the reason it was there.

But then her gaze darkened even more. Visions danced behind her globes, all that was and all that could be. Kylo heard her mother’s screams, paralyzing him with terror. The young woman’s face drenched in sweat, the color disappearing from her face until her hand went limp, lifeless in the bleak medical bay.

_It cannot be._

Another pair of sad yellow eyes he knew only from dreams, whispering that had all happened before, and it could happen again. _Unless…_

 _Unless what?_ , Kylo searched for the answer, but the small one wouldn’t say it. He didn’t have the courage to take it by force.

 _That’s where you and I are different_ , the whispers seemed pleased. He’s heard that voice before. It once had soothed him in his sleep.

The hooded silhouette disappeared in the shadows of the child's vision, nodding solemnly at the strange pair.

The small one smiled at him, innocently, oblivious at the eerie exchange that had just transpired. Seemingly oblivious at the dark tornadoes she created with her mind.

Like the dead child he used to be, she too didn’t _understand_.

She was dangerous.

Kylo was less than empathetic.

 _I can’t. I can’t risk it. Risk_ her _._

Kylo retrieved his hand from hers and looked away.

 _She is_ everything.

The impossible child turned to ash, until just a betrayed pair of eyes were left.

He woke up startled not to find Rey beside him in bed.

She hadn’t been there in a while.

Sometimes, he worried their bond had faded away, as old battle bruises do. But surely enough, there would be signs of her, if one would look closely for them. It could be days - long, painful days - in the loneliness of his mind.

But he would feel it, occasionally. Her signature clear, suddenly there and then disappearing like lightening. Like she controlled it, somehow - she always seemed to do it just as he started to doubt her existence _(their connection)_ in the first place.

Sometimes, it was just her hands he would see on the corner of his eye, dexterously working on something - _a tool, a lightsaber?_ \- completely out of context in a meeting table with First Order officials.

Sometimes, he would feel her rummaging through his scalp, the practiced strength she gave into tying up her hair - Kylo had to check if it wasn’t happening to himself, as it tended to happen as he was sitting in his throne room, giving out orders.

Sometimes, it was just her eyes.

But Kylo could have been just imagining them. Because he saw her eyes all the time.

He could spot them across the room, across the entire galaxy. Always watching him, always inquisitive. Always judging him.

No, her presence wasn’t fading.

_But someone else’s was._

Kylo drank himself to oblivion the following night as well.

Different pairs of dark eyes haunted him that night, or the boy he used to be, at least. Eyes that could be commanding, but also remarkably kind. He still remembered them so well, he was surprised. He had been so, so young.

And with the surprise, came the pain and the hurt, followed by all that suppressed suffering he denied he still felt. The memory. The guilt. The regret.

_(The reckoning.)_

More alcohol.

The third night, his body couldn’t handle it anymore, so his mind took over. It took him to the safest place he knew.

Wherever _she_ was.

It was the first night he appeared at her bedside and not the contrary.

But she wasn’t there. Kylo felt droplets of water run across her body. _She must be in the showers_ , he realized. Still here, still alive, so he did the best he could in his situation.

He waited.

While he waited, droplets of salty water ran across his cheeks instead. He blamed it on her. On the bottle. On his mother.

 _(On nothing, entirely nothing but_ himself _.)_

He dried off the angry tears on his sleeve before she came into the room, wearing a light robe and a towel wrapped around her head.

She looked funny. Kylo wanted to react at the sight, but found himself unable to, his movements slowed down by his drunken state.

When she noticed him sitting on her bed, she said nothing, only adjusted the robe tighter to her body. Kylo smiled sheepishly. He’s seen it all before, just as she did him. That was why he needed to tell her, why she needed to know.

They kept no secrets from each other, didn’t they?

Weren’t they… something?

Rey refused to look at him. Instead she sat down with her back to the bed, stupidly trying to get dressed while keeping her robe on. _Why do you ignore me? Don’t you understand what I’d do for you?_

He was only met with silence.

She let her hair down, soaking wet, and a powerful shiver went down her spine. _It must be cold where she is_ , Kylo pondered distantly.

But then he realized something: he _knew_ where she is. The connection felt especially strong tonight.

Rey froze up.

“You’ve discovered us,” she said at last, paralyzed with fear. “You know where our base is.”

“Of course I do,” he slurred, not recognizing his own voice, “I know everything. I’m the Supreme Leader. I know where the Resistance base is. But I wouldn’t tell anyone. I don’t want to.”

Rey frowned. _This isn’t typically you._

“Ben,” she called out slowly, surprised with his strange behavior. “What are you doing here?”

 _Are you betraying me?,_ she asked, nervously, between the lines.

“Did you feel it?” Kylo asked, stubborn, ignoring her ludicrous thought. _As if I would ever betray you._

At her confusion, Kylo elucidated. He wasn’t here to _spy_ on the Resistance.

“Her aura is dwindling. More with each passing day. What happened to her?”

“Whose aura, Ben?”

_What do you mean, whose aura. The only one with the Force there is left, apart from us._

“Organa’s, of course.”

Rey paused, as if processing the information.

 _No. As if she already knew. The insolent. The_ traitor _._

His mother’s signature was fading and they both sensed it.

“Yes,” Rey replied, carefully, “Leia is still recovering from the attack on the Raddus, although not without… some difficulty. She strained herself very dangerously using the Force, and she’s untrained with healing powers. I know she's trying hard to avoid it, for all our sake’s, but it _could_ happen. Becoming one with the Force...,” she trailed off, “Well, I’ve seen it happen before.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me?”

“I didn’t think you’d care.”

_Liar. You, of all people, should know just how much I care, woman._

But Kylo didn’t have the strength to fight her. Not tonight. Not for a very long time.

So he bowed to her mercy. It was easier to beg.

It was easy, it was so easy to beg.

“Will you take me to her?” He swallowed, his mouth bitter. “I have the right to see her for the last time.”

 

 

* * *

 

Rey felt him much sooner than she saw him.

It’s been two standard weeks since their last meeting. Throughout the long nights in the frozen planet of Hoth, the abandoned Rebellion base, their bond had been strangely quiet. Rey wondered if he had finally managed to sever their connection. He certainly had the power to do so.

Or not.

Rey still didn’t understand how force bonds worked, nevermind their particular brand of it. The ancient texts were being nothing but extremely unhelpful, and the little they mentioned about it, it wasn’t good news. They seemed to suggest their action was... permanent.

Rey shivered, not sure how much of it was due to the merciless cold inside her room, walls of it ostensibly falling to pieces. If only she had a way of drying out her hair…

Stupid girl. When Poe had mentioned their water was being rationed, meaning it was better to use it while the little they had wasn’t frozen, Rey panicked.

Suddenly, she realized she couldn’t bear to live covered in grime and oil any longer. She was going crazy inside this sterile base, out of her element and constantly paranoid a First Order TIE fighter would zoom in the sky under the relentless blizzards and destroy them.

Rey felt incredibly selfish. She wasn’t the only one who was afraid. She saw the dark bags under Rose’s eyes, the unconvincing arch of Finn’s smile, and the false hopeful tone in Poe’s voice when he said they just needed to “rest a bit longer, then we’ll regroup”. It’s been days now. They were on borrowed time.

And time was growing thinner by the minute.

The General hadn’t been seen in days. Connix was charged with her care, never leaving her side. Rey pretended she didn’t see the blonde shake her head sadly when Poe looked at her with so much expectation in his eyes in the morning.  

Rey was losing her mind.

Stupid girl and her stupid dreams.

She was as far from becoming a Jedi as she had always been. Soon they would start to have questions. Demand answers that she didn’t possess. And eventually, they would finally see her for what she really was.

An opportunistic fraud.

So Rey did then the best she could, then. She showered.

It took only three minutes, but she already deeply regretted her foolishness.

It made her all too more vulnerable for what would happen next.

He was in her bed.

_Him._

The reason they were stranded in this dying planet in the first place.

In the stark cold, fully awake, Rey couldn’t fathom why she had trusted that vicious man to hold her in her sleep, not long ago, when she was tired and alone in his father’s ship, stranded in space.

He had no right to be here.

He was not her friend, no matter what her treacherous heart hoped.

He was the enemy.

He was… crying?

_“Ben.”_

“Please let me see her,” he had insisted.

She couldn’t believe their entire conversation. It couldn’t be a trick, could it?

He was a pretty bad liar. Rey would know if he meant to hurt her.

He sounded sincere. He also sounded drunk.

“I won’t try anything. She won’t have to know I’m there. I just need her to know, I need her to know that it w-” he choked on his own words, coughing violently.

He oozed with the smell of alcohol, not unfamiliar to Rey. Right then, she was forcefully reminded of all the dirty men at Niima Post who reeked of booze and tried to grab at her in her teens.

Rey hated alcohol.

But so did he. She knew as much.

Something was awfully wrong.

“What do you need to know, Ben?”

He was quiet for a moment, looking down.

Rey finally approached him, scooting back on her bed towards him, wet hair on her back ignored.

She touched his hand. Rey wondered when that would cease to be a marvel. Ben, on his part, looked unaffected, carefully searching for words to help his case.

“I need her to know that it wasn’t me.”

“Oh, Ben.”

“I didn’t fire. I couldn’t do it,” he seemed desperate to convince her, knowing exactly how guilty he looked, how little reason she had to believe him. “Not to her. Not like that, Rey.”

“Ben, calm _down_. I know it wasn’t you.”

Rey was cautious. A nervous Kylo Ren was a dangerous Kylo Ren.

“What does it even matter… they were right behind me. They wouldn’t miss. I knew they wouldn’t miss,” he muttered, bitterly, “I washed my hands. Might as well have pulled the trigger...”

Rey listened attentively, but didn’t attempt to correct him.

It was about time he learned how much it hurt to take responsibility. Guilty or not, the attack was part his to blame.

 _The fleet_ , an insistent memory came to her mind. _Order them to stop firing, there’s still time to save the fleet!_

Rey swallowed it down.

“I can take you to her.”

Ben’s eyes perked up at that, hanging on her every word. He had stopped crying. _Thankfully_ , Rey thought. _I’m tired of all his multiple personalities._

Through the liquor haze, he still tried to mentally chastise himself for his complete lack of control in front of her. His shields were down, completely defenseless to her gentle probing around the bond.

“Ben, stop!” Rey shouted, “Stop hurting yourself. _Please_. When was the last time you slept?”

 _Why are you this drunk?_ , she added mentally. _Should I be worried?_

He stared at her, confused. The inquisitive black of his eyes reminded her of a pair she’s seen before once in a daydream. In a nightmare.

“We can’t do this tonight.” She reasoned, caressing his scarred cheek with her hand. He wouldn’t remember this in the morning. That’s what she told herself. Ben breathed deeply in return. “Not without risking you’re mistaken for a poltergeist.”

He made a funny face. “A what?”

“You know, a ghost. Knocking things over, disembodied cape…  Force forbid you trip over something. Especially considering you can’t see where you’re going and would have to rely on my voice alone.”

He seemed to consider this.

“Even if you’re able to hear her as well, you’re in no state to follow me around tonight.”

“Rey, you don’t understand,” he slurred angrily, ignoring her words entirely. “She’s my mother.”

Rey winced, her face quickly a mirror of his pain.

It was too much. Too much for one person to bear alone.

“She’s my _mother_ and she’s dying. I demand to see her.”

Rey got impossibly closer, knocking their foreheads together, not unkindly. Forcing him to look at nowhere but her and focus. “There is time. Ben, listen to me. Come back when you’re sober. Come back then and I promise I’ll take you to Leia.”

“I haven’t been sober in days,” he laughed darkly, “Not since the stardust took you away. I banished her, you know.”

_What is he talking about..._

“Well, I’m here. And so is your mother. We’re both okay. I only want to see you again when I can trust you won’t do anything stupid. Understood?”

Ben kissed her lightly on the lips.

He tasted bitter. It felt wrong.

He pulled back in a second. “Understood, _sweetheart_ ,” he scoffed.

And then he was gone.

It was her first kiss.

 

 

* * *

 

It was two days later when he reappeared.

Ben stood there awkwardly by the white cafeteria wall. Where he _really_ was, though, Rey had no idea. All she suspected was that, like her, he wasn’t alone.

“Rey, will you pass me the bread,” Fin waved, absent-mindlessly.

When she didn’t respond, he tried again a few moments later. “Rey?” Finn snapped in his fingers in front of her face. “Hoth to Rey.”

“Oh, sorry, of course, Finn,” Rey blinked, out of her trance. She looked away from the dark figure lurking during their meal. If only Finn knew…

At the sound of her friend’s name, Ben jerked involuntarily. He took a deep breath, back to staring at her, livid.

She knew better than to react. He seemed back to normal. _Who else is with you?_ , he prompted, his voice a rich velvet echoing in her mind.

“Poe, do you think she is awake now?” Rey diverted, while also answering his question.

“Connix said she was doing better this evening,” Poe said. “Why, did you want to speak to her? I should warn you, we shouldn’t burden her with matters so soon, Rey. She should not feel stressed right now. Med droid’s orders.”

“I just wanted to see her,” Rey clarified, still looking at the puzzled expression on Ben’s face. So that cleared things out. He had no idea who they were talking about. She wasn’t sure if she was glad he had really forgotten their last encounter.

Because this could turn on an ugly direction pretty quickly.

“Don’t worry, Poe,” Rey said, standing up. “It’s a private thing. A force… thing.”

“Oh.. a _force_ thing.”

“Yes. Very private.” Rey loved the ‘it’s the Force’ excuse. Worked every time. “I should go.”

“Sure, you go, kiddo,” the pilot dismissed her. “Third room to the left on the second floor. Same code.”

“Gotcha. Good night, Finn.”

“‘Night, Rey. Don’t forget it’s your shift on the hangar first thing tomorrow.”

Rey nodded and left the table with a smile. She chose to walk around the table closer to the wall, where Ben still stood, talking to the door, at least from her perspective.

Her smile grew a tiny size from the sight. She realized she wasn’t so angry with him today. Perhaps because she was well-fed. And warmer. It scared her sometimes how little it took to get on her good graces. But guess some things never changed.

Ben looked a little better himself. He definitely seemed to be on top of things today, the drunken haze a distant memory from his eyes. _He had been sleeping._ Was it because of her advice? No, it couldn’t be. He didn’t remember.

“That will be all, General,” he spoke, gravely, to his addressee. “Leave me.”

He waited for whomever it was to be long gone before he turned to her again.

“Enjoyed your meal?” he asked, a hint of patronizing coloring his words. “It’s been a while since we’ve last spoke,” he continued lower, more earnest now.

“Quite so. Delicious, really,” Rey answered, teeth sharp beneath her smile. “And I don’t think it’s been that long,” she said, then chastised herself. It hasn’t been long to _her_. She didn’t mean to snub him. Rey knew how much it hurt.

She quickly resumed her speech. “I’ve been busy,” she explained, apologetic.

“I’ve noticed.”

“Have you?”

“It’s hard not to. You and the pilot... Dameron,” he spit out the name, “I should warn you not to expect more than complete disappointment.”    

“You mean me and Poe?” Rey asked incredulous.

“I guess it makes sense. He was always Organa’s favorite after all... The perfect son she never had,” he mocked.

“Don’t say that,” she censored, wistfully. “I am actually on my way to seeing her.”

“Can’t it wait until after the connection is over?”

“No.”

“Rey, it’s not like I can leave you when we’re visiting,” Ben explained slowly, as if to a child.

“You can wait outside the door, if you’d like,” Rey bluffed, unsure. “She’s sick, she’s not a threat.” _Please don’t be proud, you were the one who asked for this._

_Please, Ben, just come. Somehow I just know you'll regret it if you don't._

“I’ll manage,” he sneered, but then started following her. “It’s not like she can see me, or I her, either way.”

Rey smiled again, a tiny thing. She made sure he didn’t see it, walking faster to Leia’s quarters.

“Be quiet, anyway,” she advised. “I don’t know if you won’t be able to hear each other, still. You share a connection with her as well... so just make sure to stay silent. Just in case.”

She didn’t let him respond, typing away the room’s password in a practiced manner. Thankfully, he could only watch her fingers prance in mid-air.

Rey let herself in, Ben right behind.

The room was dark.

She thought the General was awake, Rey would never intrude otherwise- 

“Who’s there?” Leia asked, groggily, her voice as coarse as paper.

The older woman was lying down with her back to the door, reluctant to turn around on her creaky stretcher to face her visitor.

She sounded scared, and Rey immediately thought to spread around the room her Force signature, to ease her down. She’d been told it was soothing.

Ben beat her to it.

He let out his own signature, the same one he used as a child to ease her out of her anger toward his father after an argument. He did it sneakily, lying just below the surface, and he knew she had never been aware that he did it in the first place, without proper training on the matter.

Rey was familiar with it like it was her own memory. She watched Ben carefully, silently thanking him, their joint signatures filling the air like one. Leia calmed down, finally turning around to greet her.

“Good evening, General,” Rey said. “I’m sorry to disturb you while you’re resting.”

“Well, hello, Rey,” Leia smiled, slowly blinking herself back to consciousness. “And you know it’s Leia. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

 _I can hear her,_ Ben spoke carefully through the bond.

 _Kriff_ , was her eloquent response. _Stay by the door, then_.  

Oh God, so this is really happening.

“I wanted to ask you how you’ve been,” Rey answered, as even as she could in this unprecedented situation.

Ben was looking down, appearing to find a spot on the ground infinitely interesting. Maybe it was. To Rey, it was carpet.

 _I’m mediating a meeting between the Supreme Leader of the First Order and the General of the Resistance_ , Rey thought to herself and was positive she had finally gone insane.

She could at least rephrase it.

_I’m helping my sort of friend find the strength to talk to his estranged mother after a decade of unwarranted pain, sorrow and misunderstanding, while said mother was bed-ridden._

That sounded about right.

“Oh, you know me,” Leia shrugged, “Can’t step down without a bit of drama.”

Rey smiled. Ben murmured, annoyed, “Oh, you sure can’t.”

“What did you say? Come closer, child,” Leia motioned for her to sit on her bed. “You’re too far away. I can’t hear you.”

Rey looked over at Ben, frozen.

 _She can hear you too_ , she sent anxiously through the bond. _What part of ‘be quiet’ you..._

 _Did you think I was expecting something like that to happen?_ , he retorted.

“Rey? What’s troubling you?”

Rey shook her head, walking over to Leia’s stretcher. “I was just worried about you, Leia. After everything… we still weren’t able to talk. I just wanted to let you know I’m here. That you can talk… to me.”

That seemed to satisfy her.

“You were the last person to see my brother alive,” Leia sighed, sadly, suddenly reminded of Rey’s crucial role in all of this. In the war. With the Force. _A child_ , as she said. Rey had never felt so inadequate.

“Somehow, I still feel like I’m not ready. Losing my twin… Oh, Rey, you have no idea how much it shattered me.”  

Rey nodded, truly unable to comprehend the feeling. But she felt the acute aura of pain radiating from the older woman. Rey imagined it felt like losing a part of herself.

_Like losing Ben might feel._

Rey pushed the thought aside before it could reach him.

Ben now watched the pair carefully from across the room. As much as he hated Luke, Rey felt a wave of understanding coming through him. As though he had thought the very same thing.

Rey didn’t have the time to think about it.

“What happened to your buns?” Leia asked, out of the blue.

“My buns?”

“You know, the three buns you always wear on your hair,” she waved. “It suits you. It reminds me of a haircut I used to have when I was your age. Although that was a rather unfortunate one, I realized way too late…” Leia chuckled lightly.

“I guess I left them behind,” Rey confessed, ashamed. “I’m actually thinking about growing my hair out. The only reason I ever wore them anyway was because I wanted my parents to recognize me… in case they ever came looking for me in Jakku.”

“Oh, Rey,” Leia said. “I didn’t know.”

Rey shook her head, “Of course you didn’t. It’s okay. I like my hair the way it is now. There’s a lot of things to try out. It’s… freeing, somehow.”

 _I like your hair down,_ Ben said, not for the first time. He stated it matter-of-fact, as he always did, like it didn’t fill Rey’s stomach with a fluttery and completely foreign feeling.

_Why are we discussing this?_

“Tell you what… do you want to try out a different kind of braid?” Leia offered, a twinkling gleam in her eye.

“One of yours?”

“One of my mother’s,” she corrected with a gentle smile.

That caught Ben’s attention. He thought the name of his grandmother with great surprise, unawarely passing on to Rey’s voice. “Padmé?”

Rey eyed him, aggravated. He brushed it off, appearing too curious to feel apologetic.

“No… Breha,” Leia said, slowly. “Where did you hear that name?”

Rey was too distraught to come up with an excuse.

“Luke,” Leia completed herself, with a sad nod. “Though, you know, I am the only one who remembers our birth mother’s face. She was beautiful. She actually reminds me a lot of you, Rey.”

“Oh.”

“Do you want to maybe try out one of her braids?” Leia suggested. “I’ve seen many holos of her. I think you’d look stunning in Naboonian style.”

“I… Of course,” Rey agreed, suddenly excited. “Thank you.” No one has ever offered to braid her hair before. It sounded like something a mother would do.

Meanwhile, she felt Ben’s discomfort at Leia’s offer. Rey couldn’t fathom why, but she paid him no mind.

“My mothers,” Leia resumed, distantly, “well, both of them, they have left me more treasures than I could ever dare to wear in a lifetime. Would you get that hairpin for me? It’s in the first drawer of the nightstand.”

Rey did as she told, coming across a small jewel as gleaming as a sun.

“This is my favorite hairpin,” Leia explained. “It’s made from pure Alderaanian crystal.”

“Is that one of your treasures?” Rey smiled.

“More of a sentimental keeping,” she clarified. “See, it’s a little chirped at the bottom. Mother would have me on anything else, still I insisted on this one. She left me countless jewels, ball gowns, hairpins, all that would suit a future queen. Never cared for it much, not after… what happened to us.” She cleared her throat, then added, “You’ll have much more use for it, surely, my darling.”

“Me?”

“Of course, you,” Leia smiled again. “You know, I have always wanted a daughter of my own.”

“You’d leave your things for me?” Rey stuttered, caught completely out of guard. “Why?”

“Rey, I’m old…  Age makes you realize certain things. Surely you realize a woman like me could never ask for a better successor than you.”

“Leia…” she censored.

Rey searched for Ben, who slowly approached the two women and looked deep in thought. He seemed so oddly calm about this whole situation. Rey wondered what he was thinking, but his shields were up, a hard wall on the back of her mind.

 _I could never accept it_ , Rey told him at once. _They’re your heritage. I know how particular you feel about that._

She braced herself for his harsh judgement, but instead, he shook his head.

 _Don’t be silly, Rey,_ Ben said firmly. _Of course you can take it._

_I don’t feel comfortable about this. It’s a lot, I couldn’t possibly..._

Leia stopped her train of thought. “But for now, I think just a braid will do. I figure I know which one to choose. Artoo used to show me his memories of her and my father… from before his turn to the dark. She used to favor a single, long braid, with a twist,” she said, then huffed bemusedly. “It’s funny that I still remember these things. Will you turn around, Rey? It makes it easier on my arms.”

Rey complied, indulging her. She had never done something so intricate to her hair before. It wasn’t practical and would fall off instantly under the Jakku sun.

She ended up facing Ben directly. His eyes were still unreadable as he watched his mother gently comb her hair into wonderful shapes.

It made her even more uncomfortable as she had to look right into his eyes as she heard the General suddenly ruminate. “I… I failed as a mother, Rey.”

“Don’t say that,” Rey comforted her, repeating herself for the second time tonight. Ben fidgeted, muttering intelligible words again, and left for the other side of the room by the window.

“But we both know I did.”

Rey figured she could use a little dose of courage.

“If you could say anything to your son right now, what would it be?”

“I’m afraid my son is gone, sweetheart.”

 _He might be closer than you think_.

“No one’s ever really gone.”

Leia huffed, like she remembered a not particularly funny gag.

“You’re an optimist, Rey,” she noted, “I really admire that about you. I suppose Han did, too. We had such high hopes then… but then I lost him so tragically. The boy my son he used to be… he’s not around anymore. Only the mask is left. And Kylo Ren.”

“That’s not true,” Rey disagreed. “You know... I’ve met him. Ben.”

All three froze in the room. Ben, on his part, appeared betrayed.

 _You’re not about to reveal our…_ he warned.

“So I have heard,” Leia replied, cautiously.

There was silence.

“How does he look like?”

Rey blinked, confused. “How does he…”

“I’ve never seen my son as an adult. You have seen him, without the mask. How does he look like?”

Rey turned around to face her, her braid partially done. She looked every bit like the repentant mother she had seen before in her dreams. _His_ dreams. The ones she crawled around her knees, begging for his forgiveness.

Rey shook the vision away, perturbed. Ben knew she had seen it. Suddenly, he seemed… ashamed.

“I gave him a scar,” Rey started, not sure how the news would be perceived. “Across his face, all the way down to his torso. He’s… he’s very strong. Tall. Taller than Han, even.”

Leia nodded, satisfied. “I knew he would be.”

Once again, uncomfortable silence.

Ben was restless, silently begging her for this to be over and for them to leave this room. This was too much for him as well.

Then, Leia confessed. “I sent him away, Rey. My own son. If he only knew how much I regret it… I thought I was protecting him. In the end, I was the one who was afraid.”

Ben took a deep, almost painful intake of breath. He struggled to remain silent.

Leia resumed Rey’s braid, resigned to her own thoughts. “Be different to your children, Rey. If you ever have them. “

Rey definitely wanted to divert this conversation before it descended further into chaos.

“I do like kids… but I’m not sure I would be a great parent, myself. Never pictured myself as the nurturing type.”

“Oh, but we never do,” Leia reminisced, shaking her head. “Not that I’m saying you _will_ be a mother, though. I sure hated it when people just assumed I would be, as my ‘royal duty’. Morons. What I meant was, it’s easier when we have a partner by our side. You… you’d need someone worthy, though, to stand by you. Not your everyday Joe.”

Rey honest to god laughed.

“What? I mean it. You’re special, Rey.”

“Well, I am a Jedi in-learning.”

“That, too,” Leia conceded. “Raising a child in tune with the Force… it’s no easy feat.”

Rey was brutally reminded that any offspring she would ever had would likely be Force-sensitive as she was.

She didn’t know how she felt about it yet.

All of a sudden, she had a vision of herself, crying out in pain.

 _Rey_ , Ben chimed in, voice strangely neutral. _It’s time to go. I remember it all now. You don’t have to do this anymore._

 _No,_ Rey contradicted him. She pushed the vision forward, trying to comprehend it.

A child with black eyes appeared in front of her.

“Maybe if we hadn’t been so daunted by the perspective that our son would have to grow to be a warrior…” Rey didn’t hear Leia resume speaking.

The child smiled absent-minded, playing with Rey’s childhood doll. She was holding Captain Raeh.

Rey gasped.

In one version of the memory, someone called out. The little girl looked up, and she saw Ben. An older Ben, with shorter hair.

In the other version, the girl looked up, and saw them both.

Rey’s hair was longer, braided like the queenly person Leia had descended from. The child had her features, and ran to embrace the Not-Rey from the vision.

“We were deluded by the promise of peace. Han and I rushed into marriage, only children ourselves. The rest is, as you know, common history.”

“Is it worth it?” Rey blurted out, determined.

“What is, dear?”

“Parenthood.”

Leia averted her gaze, thoughtful. Her eyes seemed to land on Rey’s vision, playing on the carpet, and she wasn’t sure which version she could see - if she could see it at all. But then she nodded once, firmly.

“Every step of the way, yes.”

Rey raised her chin up to Ben, who didn’t want her to encourage the shadow figures. The future was not set in stone, that much she knew. Still… there was a life out there, however improbable it was.

A future in which Rey had a family. The belonging she sought, ahead. With him.

“And how do I know if he's worthy?” Rey asked, staring intently at Not-Ben.

“He?” Leia raised her eyebrow.

“The one who’s worthy of me, as you put it,” she reminded her.

“Well, that only you can tell,” the older woman chuckled. “I had so many suitors as a girl. Noble, brave, handsome men. But I had to go and fall in love with the scoundrel.”

 _That was the biggest mistake she ever made_ , Ben explained to a bleary-eyed Rey. He didn’t blame his mother for that, that he never did. It was his father he blamed all along, for ever making her cry before phony republican ceremonies in Chandrila.

For leaving her and walking out the door.

For never letting Ben be enough.

“Han looked at me like I lit up the entire galaxy.” Leia acquiesced. “But he never thought to offer me a chance to enter his world. He wanted it for himself alone to explore.”

Ben had never heard his mother admit to it so bluntly before.

He walked through the vision, scattering it away like ashes.

He stood before his mother, solemn, listening closely. Like he was waiting for the next impossible thing.

“I still love my son. I wasn’t the mother he deserved. I just wanted him to know I forgive him. Just as I wish he forgives me.”

Somehow, Rey knew Leia was aware of his presence. If she understood _how_ , or not…

She decided to let all false pretenses aside.

“Kylo Ren also wants the galaxy for himself.”

Leia agreed, sadly.

“That he does.”

She finished Rey’s braid, at last. Rey stood up, inspecting herself in the mirror.

She looked… beautiful, regal, even. She wondered how she would be able to sleep without tearing the delicate strands apart.  
  
“The man who's worthy of you.” Leia said, after a very long time. The words sounded more important than they truly were. “He'll offer you the galaxy because he knows you deserve it. He'll drop it at your feet. Then, if necessary, he'll let it all go. Because you're his entire galaxy. Do not settle for any less.”

Rey nodded, astonished.

“Thank you for the hairdo, Leia. And the conversation.”

Her eyes twinkled again.

“Thank you for the company,” Leia brushed it off.

“Will I see you tomorrow?”

Leia didn’t answer. Instead, she gave a her half-smile that never quite reached her eyes.

“You’re never alone anymore, are you, child?” Leia said. It meant she was aware of their joint signatures sparkling in the room.

“That makes an old woman like me extremely happy.” The princess said, turning around in bed with a loud yawn. She looked tired beyond her years.

Like she’d seen too much of this world.

And was ready for the next.

“Goodnight, Leia.”

“Goodnight, Rey.”

Rey left the room, standing in the corridor in a daze.

She realized Ben hadn’t followed her immediately.

She guessed she knew the reason why.

Ben, inside the room, stared at his elderly mother’s sleeping form, her back to the door once again.

He raised the blankets up to her chest.

He wasn’t sure if he would ever see her again.

“Goodnight, mother.”

For the last time, he soothed her dreams.

Then he let go of her hand.

Either way, he served another woman now.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben closed the door, as silent as he could.

He followed Rey into her quarters. They had much to discuss.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... it's been a while, huh? 
> 
> I decided to give this story another go! I'm attempting to write a multi-chaptered Reylo AU for Christmas (more on that on the next chapter) and figured I needed something familiar to get back on track with this ship.
> 
> I've always had 4 chapters in mind when outlining this fic (back at last December cough cough). The last chapter is coming next Wednesday/Thursday.
> 
> Please consider leaving this story a kudo or a comment, as your feedback fuels my writing muse!
> 
> Check out my [twitter](https://twitter.com/funnylittleowl) for more news.
> 
> Thank you for listening and see you soon!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben make some concessions. And quite a few confessions.
> 
> The future looks brighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter, you guys!

 

The walk back to her quarters was dreadfully silent.

Rey knew she had just experienced something huge. She could only imagine how Ben was feeling.

There was talk around the base, everyone knew. Who would be left in charge of operations, who would succeed the General if the worst were to happen...

Poe was the logical choice, now that both Admiral Ackbar and Holdo were lost to the attack on the Raddus. And while Rey knew he still refused to believe Leia wouldn’t recover, Poe’s shoulders grew more terse with responsibility with each passing day. He was a natural leader, and people responded to his well-meaning confidence. They trusted him. 

So did Rey.

But the situation was delicate.

Just now, Rey wasn’t sure what Leia meant by not answering her question - whether or not they would see each other again tomorrow. Or even, what she meant by sensing that Rey was not alone anymore. She felt a surge of relief coming from the General through her assumption, like she could finally rest having that knowledge at last.

She knew Leia wanted her well being. But she wondered how much she knew that her son was part of the equation.

Her son, who was walking entirely too close to Rey for comfort. 

“I feel like you’re chaperoning me,” she said.

“Hardly,” he answered, but Rey could still feel his breath hot on the back of her neck.

Rey was amazed their connection still hasn’t been severed. 

It seemed like his presence was actually growing stronger the past hour. The Force appeared to have a strict plan for this encounter, and it would follow through with its schemes til the very end, hurt whom it may. For better or for worse.

Rey, for one, was tired of pretending she didn’t want him close.

She opened the door to her room. It was cold, as she anticipated.

“You can stay, if you’d like,” she offered, poorly, gesturing to the cubicle before them. Rey knew it was nothing like what Ben was used to sleeping.

“Stay?”

Ben’s eyes were undecipherable. He looked shaken, yes, but there was something else… Something urgent, desperate even, in his gaze.

“Here. The night. With me,” Rey completed, unhelpfully. “I mean. I suppose you wanna talk—”

In less than a second, Rey found herself being pushed hard against her bedroom door, Ben’s face buried in her throat.

All illusion of self-control quickly faded away into the night.  _ This is it. _ He breathed deeply, inhaling big gulps from her skin.

Rey gasped as he encircled his arms around her, raising her hands to grasp at his impossibly soft hair. His lips travelled upwards and he kissed the corner of her mouth so gently, once, then twice...

“Ben, stop.”

He froze immediately, imagining the worse. “You don’t want this?”

“No, I do,” she corrected, “ I do, but we need to discuss this,” Rey brushed a stray lock from his forehead, tucking it behind his ear.

“You’re upset, Ben. This whole thing was a lot to take.”

He didn’t push away, still embracing her tightly, and Rey welcomed the touch. It took him a minute, but then he finally met her eyes again.

“I’m sorry about last time.”

“So you remember.”

“I do now,” Ben said. “But not because it came back to me. I saw the memories through your eyes... You were afraid of me then.”

“I was afraid you were  _ spying _ on us. Then, I was afraid you’d do something you might end up regretting. I was never afraid of you.” Rey said firmly. “What you said to me… about wanting to see your mother. I knew you weren’t in your right mind. I wouldn’t submit you both to that.”

“And you were right. I would never have asked you that in my right mind.”

Rey was suddenly furious at his faux nonchalant manner.

“So you  _ do _ regret it, now? Do you think I acted wrong in letting you see her?”

“No.”

That took her aback. 

Ben disentangled his arms from her, standing tall once again. He swallowed hard, choosing his next words carefully.

“I know you look up to her,” He started with some difficulty. “My mother. And I thank you for your trust… we both know you had no reason to allow me anywhere close, especially in her current state. I suppose I needed this… this closure. You see, I never hated Organa. Seeing her ill brings me no joy.”

Ben took a step back.

“But I need you to understand. After she's gone... there's just no point, Rey. All of this, it’s all going to fall apart.”

“What do you mean?” Rey asked, nervous. “You mean you’ll attack the Resistance on sight if you’re able?”

He ignored her catastrophic musings completely.

“What if I told you I don’t want us to rule the galaxy... If I gave you a chance for us to escape. Would you take it?”

_ Oh. _

“I don’t know, Ben... but I’d want it,” she said, then added in a whisper, “It’s all I really want, in the end.”

She was relieved to see a more reasonable side of him emerge. A part of him who knew, deep down, that all this fighting and destruction was senseless.

Rey caressed the side of his cheek, an unspoken promise of all she was willing to give, if he only let her. “But for now, we should go to bed. It’s been a very long night.”

Ben smirked.

“Your ulterior motives are showing, sweetheart.”

Rey blushed furiously. Sometimes she was so caught up on who his mother was, that she forgot how much like his father he could be.

“My what now?” 

He raised an eyebrow, confused. “We don’t argue nearly as much whenever we’re in bed together. It’s beginning to form a pattern. What did you think I meant?”

“Nothing,” she answered too fast. “Nothing at all.”

_ On the surface, his looks could deceive. But on the inside, he was the senator’s son, through and through. _

Rey started to undress herself, bemused, then realized she wasn’t sure what the protocol was in situations like this. They usually just  _ ended up _ sleeping in the same bed, not preparing to do it together. She chose to take her tunic off, deciding for the both of them.  _ Modesty for tonight. _

Ben disposed of his heavy coat, then it disappeared on the floor, at least where Rey was concerned it was just gone. He followed her onto the mattress.

She knew he usually slept without a shirt. He must be doing this for her, then. Rey was glad. It would be sure to get too much, too quickly.

Ben pushed the covers over them, but a part of her knew their conversation tonight was far from over. 

She might as well start.

“Say we did that,” she said conspiratorially, carefully arranging her braid over the pillow. “We escaped. If that were to happen, what would become of this whole war? It makes me think there would be no war anymore.”

“There'll always be war.”

“But you're saying you'd actively stop raging war against the Resistance. If you could stay with me.”

“Oh, no,” he dismissed her. Rey opened her mouth in shock. “But think about it for a second. Even if we figured something out. Say, we take out Hux, the first to rebel against me. And the rest, you asked… it’s no secret. The rest would, as it always will, sort out itself. As balance tends to find. We just wouldn’t be part of it.”

Ben’s tone was scholar, almost comically contrasting with his movements flipping the cool side of his pillow.

“Perhaps it’s even for the best. A new republic might rise, a wiser leader, perhaps. It’s happened before and it will happen again. A bad leader, a new Empire. New reasons to rebel and more reasons to seize control… There are so many possibilities.”

He reached for her hand, tentatively.

“But this. There is only one shot of this.”

Rey gulped, feeling almost guilty she wholeheartedly agreed.

Still, she withdrew. 

“What about the others? What about them in this alternative universe you’re painting?” she said. “They’re my friends.”   
  
“Rey, they barely know you,” he assessed crudely. “They don’t understand. They will leave you if they absolutely have to.”

“You’re wrong.”

“I never once lied to you.” At least that much was true. “I may be blunt, but what do you think might happen when you lash out your powers without warning - and you  _ will _ . Accidents happen when you’re learning how to use the Force in an advanced level. You’ll see how it hurts to watch your friends cower in fear, the instinct of survival screaming in their minds to escape. I’ve learned this from an incredibly young age. If they can’t control you, Rey, then you are a threat.”

Scarily enough, Rey could imagine it. Poe’s eyes tinged with fear as he warned the crew to stay away. He would do what he must to keep his people safe. Even if that meant keeping them from her.

A Force ‘ _ thing’ _ , he had waved off earlier. It was all wizardry and magic to them. It would always be.

It did hurt.

“You were abandoned once. And you carry such anger, such rage inside you. You will never fit in, as much as you try.”

It hurt because it  _ could _ happen.

“You're a pawn, Rey. A tool. I  _ am _ sorry, but that’s just how things are”.

“And what am I to you then?”

Ben’s eyes glinted in the starlight.

“I’ve told you.”

“You told me I was not ‘nothing’ to you. Truly makes a Jedi want to go running to your side.”

Ben rolled his eyes, imperiously. It didn’t hide his embarrassment as well as he thought.

“Well, you should know by now I’m not exactly prone to expressing myself successfully.”

“You have the one chance to rectify yourself, then.” Rey said, seriously. “What  _ am _ I to you?”

Rey’s heart skipped a beat. 

He considered her.

“Everything,” he managed after some time, like it pained him to say it. “You’re everything that’s good about my life.”

She swallowed hard, nodding. She  _ had _ hoped… but it wasn’t the time.

“And what did you mean before,” she continued, eager to see this to the end. “When you said you had banished the stardust that took me away. Were you drinking because of me?”

That was harder for him to admit.

“It was only a vision. I thought I had seen the future… but you appeared to witness a different alternative, only a few hours ago. It seemed more… favorable.” 

“The child,” Rey blinked.

“The future is not set in stone. It could be nothing.”

“I know.”

“Still I would prefer not to risk it. In one of them, you  _ died _ , Rey. My family has a history of only making things worse when trying to change visions from the future.”

“What if it’s not up for you to change?” Rey challenged him.

The little girl had held Captain Raeh. She had smiled when she had seen her. They looked… happy, the three of them. Like a real family. Perhaps it was worth the risk. If that wasn’t, then what in the galaxy could be?

_ And if she could have him...  _

“I will ask you again,” Ben pleaded, raising her hand to his lips. “Come with me. Come with me and you'll never have to be alone again. Everything you need, I promise you I can provide it.”

He closed his eyes forcefully, kissing the back of her palm. 

“You wanted a family, Rey. You and me. It's the best we will ever have.”

That was all it took to make her throw caution off the window. 

She half-stood in the bed, bringing him forward with her.

Rey stared at him from above. There was truth in his eyes.

She looked at Ben at saw someone who would let the galaxy burn to keep her. She wondered what  _ he _ saw, when he looked at her.

Rey knew what she felt. It was the most precious things she had ever had. They couldn’t deny themselves any longer.

She brought him down again with a hesitant kiss to his mouth. He returned it, letting her rest her weight over his chest. 

She kissed him again, a bit longer this time.

He seemed to indulge her for a while. She experimented, cupping his face to continue what was probably to him a clueless girl’s ministrations. She felt so young, so naive, compared to the idea of him. He had seen so much of the universe, and she had only began to scratch the surface. Still their hearts bound them together as one. The scavenger and the senator’s boy.

She had known it for a while, now. She belonged to him just as he belonged to her.

Rey grew bolder as he took control of their kiss, his massive hands starting to toy with her hair and position her hips where he needed her—

“Wait, Ben...my braid…” She came back for air, touching the back of her head. It felt like a bird’s nest, tousled beyond the point of recovering. “You ruined it! Why did you do that?”

Ben laughed. The sound was so foreign Rey couldn’t even react.

He had at least the decency to look ashamed.

“I always said I liked your hair better down, anyway,” he defended himself,  partly disarming her with the hint of a smile on his face.

Rey still pouted. Leia had spent a lot of time doing it. And she liked the result, she had felt… beautiful. Desirable. Rey salvaged the hairpin and kept it safely on the side of the bed.

“I’ll make you another one,” he offered, guiltily.

“You know how to braid hair?”

“Don’t ask difficult questions—”

He kissed her again. She couldn’t help but laugh along.

His mouth targeted everywhere but her lips. Rey missed the contact sorely. Was she really that bad a kisser? But his actions seemed to tell a different story. He opened his side of the bond and flooded her mind with his feelings.

He kissed her chin, because he could. He kissed her cheekbones, because he thought they were regal. Her eyelids, for devotion. The tip of her nose, for levity. 

Her forehead— 

And suddenly Rey understood the look in his eyes for what they really were.

_ The look of a man who was hopelessly in love. _

Rey gladly - happily - gave into her weakness. 

She plastered herself over his body, following a trail of soft kisses down his neck. Rey felt him getting hard under her.

“Damn it, Ben,” she moaned, helplessly bucking against him. “We're just too different. We wouldn’t last a day together.” 

He all but ignored her, tackling her under him in the mattress and trapping her hands over the bed to keep her still.

“I beg to differ,” Ben revelled, nuzzling the side of her face. His stubble tickled. It was distracting. “Your skin is so soft. It’s amazing how I can feel it from millions of miles away.”

He pushed back, then went back to staring at her intensely. 

“You truly are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”

She diverted, blushing heavily, “Have you seen the women in your family?”

“Yes? There’s no comparison, really. You are nothing like any of them. You’re… you.”

_ Eloquent, as always. _

“Your mother seemed to think I resembled your grandmother.”

Ben groaned, not exactly jubilous to have his mother included in the conversation. He softened immediately, attempting to kiss her again just to shut her up. 

Rey avoided his mouth on purpose.

“Well, you certainly seem to share the same awful taste in men,” he considered.

That made her smile a little.

“It certainly doesn’t hurt that you’re inheriting all of their things. You deserve to have pretty things.”

“Is that why you were so willing to have me accept your mother’s wish?”

Ben turned serious for a moment.

“Not all of it, no.” 

The atmosphere turned serious again. He kept speaking

“I knew that letting you keep her things would make her happy. My mother always cared a lot about her legacy… what she would leave behind. She chose you to take care of it. It’s only right to respect that.”

“That’s… thoughtful of you. Oh, Ben. You really do care a lot, don’t you?”

“I never really stopped,” he confessed, almost angry at himself. “Not when it came to her.”

“You know, I thought I didn’t get you, Ben,” Rey spoke softly. “But I do. I really do.”

Ben leaned down again, resting his head on her shoulder, careful not to crush her with his weight.

They spent a few minutes like that in blissful silence. Emboldened, Rey started to caress his curls, closing her eyes. 

She wanted this to be real so much she thought she could beg.

“Why would you choose  _ them _ over this?” Ben whispered. He sounded miserable. She held him even closer.

That was his ultimatum.    
  
The unspoken question was clear:  _ do you really care for them more than you care for me? _

And she couldn’t quantify it. She cared for many people. But she  _ loved _ him.    
  
“We'll do it your way, Rey. I'll go with you instead. Just pick a planet.”

She lost all train of coherent thought.

“What?”

“Come to me when you’re ready. Pick a planet, and we'll leave this galaxy behind. We'll play pretend. Even if it’s just for a day... just say you’ll come.”

“Ben, this is insane.”

She had lied to her friends already. She had lied to Leia, by omitting the whole truth. Could she bear to do it again?

“I think this is the sanest thing I have ever considered,” Ben continued. “Come with me, and for a day, at least  _ one day _ , it won’t matter that I’m from all the bloodlines and you’re from none. You'll be Rey. Just Rey.”

“And who will you be?”

“Yours.”

She let out a pitiful sob.

“Please don’t joke about this.”

He frowned. “I have never been more serious.”

_ Yeah, I know. You have that look in your eyes. The one that reminds me you’re Leia’s son. _

She insisted, needing more definite answers. “Not Kylo of the Knights of Ren?” Maybe… the Supreme Leader of the First Order? Or even Ben Solo, the man I met by the fire?”

“Now you’re the one who’s joking with me.”

“I need to understand your motives.”

“Rey, how can I be more clear about this,” he sighed. “Titles, all those names… it’s all irrelevant to me. I want to see you. I  _ need _ to see you. That’s all there is to it.”

It was a dangerous proposition, and Rey tried to make him understand it wasn’t as simple as he made it sound.

“This thing we have,” Rey tried to encompass the whole of it with her hands, failing miserably, “this truce, I don’t know, it’s a safe space. Outside of this room, you have the upper hand. You know that, don’t you? Can’t you see how terribly this could go for me if anything went wrong? Here, you're one thing.”  _ (You're mine, Ben.)  _ “Out there, I haven’t decided yet.” 

Kylo nodded gravely, like he expected that answer from her.

He resigned himself to burying his face in her hair once again, overcome with exhaustion.

“We could go to the ocean,” he insisted sleepily, talking to her nape. It tickled her skin pleasantly. “I know how much you like water. Or I could show you a big city, one that encompasses an entire planet. Or snow, mountains of white where you would never have to freeze like this again. Snow can be beautiful, too. I want to show you the universe, Rey.”

_ And that’s how you know he’s worthy. _

“And we will, Ben. Someday.”

He snuggled closer to her.

“You know I will do whatever it takes. But my endgame is you.”

“And I won’t let you get away with any of it,” she smiled. “But I agree. Until the end of the line, it’s you and me.”

Rey kissed him.

It felt like turning the tides.

For once in her life, they seemed to be on her favor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for following this overgrown one-shot to the end.
> 
> Please consider leaving me a kudo or a comment if you liked this story, as they tend to make my whole day and make me write faster.
> 
> I'm not done with this pairing yet. If you'd like to follow updates on the multi-chaptered Christmas AU I plan to start posting next week, please also consider subscribing to my profile for more news!
> 
> As always, you can find me on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/funnylittleowl).

**Author's Note:**

> So, that... happened. 
> 
> This story's title was taken from Pablo Neruda's poem "I do not love you." If you haven't read it yet, you should definitely check it out here. I especially love its ending *cough and how it now suddenly connects to Reylo in my mind cough*:
> 
> "so I love you because I know no other way  
> than this: where I does not exist, nor you,  
> so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,  
> so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."
> 
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated <3
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and happy belated Christmas.


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